Sometimes there are compositions in a writer’s life that take up so much energy and so much time, that they become practically another child in the house. This entry, originally posted over six years ago, is one of those.
What is April Fool’s Day without a little silliness?
“Which Item in Katharine’s Kitchen Are You?”
1. I buy you something to read for your birthday. It is . .
- A. A novel. On the cover is a woman wearing a bonnet.
- B. Something by Dave Barry
- C. A novel written by an author whose name I can’t pronounce. You despise American literature.
- D. A subscription to Real Simple magazine
- E. Freakonomics
- F. Something by Bill O’Reilly
- G. Organizing From The Inside Out by Julie Morgenstern
- H. A Subscription to Glamour. Oh, you have that? How about Cosmopolitian? That too, huh? Sigh.
2. What do you and I talk about the most?
- A. Gardening, what we’re wearing, and if you like my haircut.
- B. The funny thing that happened to you while you drove to my house.
- C. What you’re going to see on your trip to Iceland.
- D. What you’re going to do about the neighbor’s pesky kids.
- E. What you’re going to do with your tax return.
- F. What’s wrong with this country today.
- G. What is the exact origin of the stain on my shirt.
- H. Why Paris Hilton is just misunderstood.
3. Your dream job would be . . .
- A. Something with children. Or animals.
- B. A dancer, singer, actress, stand up comedian. Maybe all four at once.
- C. Whatever would take you to Milan or Prague on a regular basis.
- D. A traffic cop, or a school teacher. For the power!
- E. An accountant. An engineer. An accountant for an engineering firm. Some place that won’t mock your slide rule collection.
- F. To own a Pro Bass store. Or have your own huntin’ show. As long as it has something to do with guns.
- G. Health inspector
- H. To be admired.
4. You and I are at a restaurant. You order . . .
- A. A Salad. And Tea. With Lemon
- B. Something with chipotle sauce
- C. Something that reminds you of Tuscany
- D. Cheeseburger. Fries. Coke.
- E. The same thing you always order. Rather be satisfied than surprised.
- F. Either the prime rib or a good sirloin.
- G. Hesitantly. The menu is awfully sticky.
- H. Warm Mousseline of Sussex Pheasant stuffed with Cave Matured Roquefort and Fresh Harvested Truffles with a Sauce of Rosemary Hollandaise and Julienne of Russet Pears
- A. The Lake District or a quaint sea side town.
- B. Disney World or Vegas, depending on whether or not the kids joined you.
- C. Macchu Piccu. This is your second visit there.
- D. Our cabin on the lake.
- E. A place with lots of museums or historical significance, like Washington D.C.
- F. Branson, Missouri
- G. No preference, but there’s no way I’m sitting on that hotel room bedspread.
- H. Somewhere that required a private jet.
6. You and I are watching a movie. You get to pick. It is . . .
- A. Pride and Prejudice. Not any version. The 1995 A&E one with Colin Firth.
- B. Wall-E
- C. Something foreign with subtitles, like a Fellini film.
- D. An old fashioned musical
- E. A Beautiful Mind
- F. High Noon or another Western
- G. Anything, as long as its rated G.
- H. Something that stars an ex-boyfriend. And probably a current one.
7. Why did you choose your pet?
- A. She’s so cute and adorable!
- B. He’s so funny! He has a vivacious personality.
- C. He was a lot of trouble to get through Customs. I’m kind of committed.
- D. To keep me company.
- E. I researched all of the options and found the perfect match for my needs.
- F. I needed a good dog to guard the house.
- G. Ewwww! A pet? Are you kidding?
- H. My pet is a pure bred, award winning lap dog.
Now, if you’ve tallied carefully, you should favor one letter of the alphabet over the other:
If You Scored Mostly A’s, You Are My: Pink Rose Teapot
If You Scored Mostly B’s, You Are My: Mrs. Renfro’s Jalepeno Salsa!
If You Scored Mostly C’s, You Are My: Extra Virgin Olive Oil!
If You Scored Mostly D’s, You Are My: Wooden Spoon!
If You Scored Mostly E’s, You Are My: Measuring Spoons!
If You Scored Mostly F’s, You Are My: Cast Iron Skillet!
If You Scored Mostly G’s, You Are My: Spray Bottle of diluted Lysol!
If You Scored Mostly H’s, You Are My: Bottle of Moet and Chandon Champagne!
So, how did you do? I’m dying to know!